Fawning: The Lesser Known Trauma Response
When sensing a threat, our brain tries to protect us by shifting into a stress response. You may have already heard of the fight, flight, or freeze responses. However, a just as important response, the Fawn Response, can also happen. First coined by complex PTSD expert Pete Walker, the Fawn Response resembles people-pleasing. It causes a person to put the needs of others before their own, in order to survive.
And the reason so many people (typically women) get stuck in this cycle is because humans cannot just think their way out of a stress response. It’s not enough to know you have a fear of conflict, disappointing others, or disconnection—real change can only come from rewiring the survival parts of the brain so you can begin to respond differently.
What is the Fawn Response?
First coined by complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder expert Pete Walker, “a fawn response is triggered when a person responds to a threat by trying to be pleasing or helpful in order to appease and forestall an attacker[1].” In 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD[2], Walker writes, “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.” This often looks benign from the outside, but can be extremely physiologically exhausting and harmful to the relationship with yourself and others. It can present in simple to more troubling ways—like going to dinner with people you really don’t want to socialize with to staying in a relationship that is harmful, or acquiescing to sex.
The painful consequences of Fawn response are commonly reflected in pop culture. Take “The Devil Wears Prada”: intern Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) attempts to please her dismissive and demanding boss, Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep), because she believes she’s landed her “dream job” at renowned magazine. Over time, she realizes that working with Miranda not only diminishes her sense of self, but also her personal values.
Or “Mean Girls”: new-to-her-high-school Cady Heron struggles with an inner conflict: pursuing the good graces of a popular clique called the Plastics and abandoning her true Self for status and perceived belongingness versus having authentic and loyal friendships. It isn’t until she experiences the cost of losing her Self that she finds the courage and humility to reconnect with the loyal friends she had ditched while trying to please the Plastics.
Before we move on, it’s important to know that Fawn response also exemplifies many positive interpersonal qualities: you are likely a good listener, extremely empathic, great at asking questions, effortlessly loving, ambitious, flexible, or generous. Let’s celebrate these attributes while also exploring the difficult side of fawning.
Common Fears driving the Fawn Response
The core fears driving the Fawn response are of abandonment, loss, and disconnection in important relationships. These are normal and very understandable fears. We humans are wired for connection and belonging because it is what literally helped us stay safe from danger animals and natural disasters. Other “secondary” fears can be more conscious and thus easier to articulate, including of rejection or judgment, hurting other people’s feelings, someone feeling angry at you or you at them (conflict), disagreement, and disappointing others. Paradoxically, acting on these fears with fawning behavior can lead to ruptures (breaches in trust or understanding) in important relationships, which leads to further disconnection for the Fawn.
The Impact of Fawning on Your Self-Trust & Relationships
Fawning behaviors can ultimately work counter to your most heart-centered goals for connection and erode your self-trust. Some of this may be hard to stomach, but please don’t shame or judge yourself. Remember, it’s understandable that you have these adaptations and they are there for a good reason. Also, you can’t know what you don’t know… until you know it! And you’re reading this because you’re open to deep self-reflection and growth.
Three of the most common and relatable interpersonal struggles for those with a fawning habit are:
not being clear on their relational needs and boundaries
avoiding healthy conflict
empathy getting in the way of creating distance or even walking away from an unhealthy relationship.
Is healthy conflict hard for you? Here are some signs:
Not talking to your friend about how you felt hurt by her cancelling plans last minute 3 times in a row
Avoiding talking to your boss about your boundaries for answering phone calls in the evening
Not telling your partner that you have been feeling hurt about their increasing judgmental or critical comments
Staying late after work to help a colleague with one of their projects despite having plans to go to a fitness class
Staying on the phone late into the night with a friend needing emotional support, despite it being past your bedtime and having an early morning commitment
Addressing conflict is probably one of the most nerve-racking skills for a recovering Fawn.
How Therapy Can Help You Break Free from the Fawn Response
1. Nervous System Awareness and Regulation
You can learn somatic tools to observe and regulate your nervous system recognize when you go into Fawn Mode, instead of abandoning yourself to stay safe—making a different choice.
2. Boundary Work and Embodied Consent
Therapy offers space to practice saying no, expressing needs, and tolerating the discomfort that can arise when you stop over-functioning. You’ll learn that setting boundaries doesn’t make you “bad”—it makes you honest and self-respecting. You will learn to feel and listen to healthy anger: a sign that your boundary is being crossed or a need is going unmet.
3. Inner Child and Attachment Healing
We gently explore the root of the Fawn Response: the parts of you that learned it wasn’t safe to take up space or have needs. By nurturing those younger parts with compassion, you reclaim your right to exist without performance.
4. Values-Aligned Living
You’ll clarify what actually matters to you—not what others expect—and start living in alignment with your own truth. That might look like resting more, asking for help, or saying no without explaining yourself.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
Healing from people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming whole.
You’re allowed to disappoint others and still be worthy.
You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to say no.
You’re allowed to be loved for who you are, not just what you do.
If you’re ready to stop shrinking and start showing up as your full self, therapy can help.
Schedule a free consultation today to begin your Fawn Recovery Journey.
References
[1] Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving: a guide and map for recovering from childhood trauma. First Edition. Lafayette, CA, Azure Coyote
[2] https://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm